31 Years

Well. I turn 31 in a few minutes. It’s not a particularly monumental age, but for whatever reason I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’ve learned about myself over the years. So, the following are my thoughts on what I know for sure about myself.

I’m silly

At some point (despite my internalized melancholy and tendency to brood) I decided that fun, playfulness and being silly are all virtues in and of themselves.

I’m difficult

I’m difficult company to keep, except in small doses. Really getting to know me is like training for a marathon. I have a lot to say, and will choose the most circuitous route to say it. Everything I say includes a preamble because I’m overly concerned with not just being clear but being understood. Also, I think words with more syllables are more fun to say, and since being fun is a priority for me I use big words alot. That adds an air of pretentiousness to everything I say. I sometimes fall into weird cycles of free association, especially with people I feel comfortable around. It becomes a game for my brain: interrupt with complete nonsense that is syntactically related to what is being discussed. It’s exhausting for me as much as for others.

I’m a humanist (mostly)

I really like people! I truly truly think everyone has something to offer, something worth knowing about. Somewhere in anyone’s mind or in their past is something worth celebrating. Consequently, I don’t think anyone is trash and I find the phrase offensive. Dismissing someone entirely without any expression of regret or moral pains seems extremely callous to me and it is a mindset I just can’t fathom.

I can be judgey

I do still judge people, even though I still like people. Mostly I judge people by how curious they are about others, whether they value process/choices or outcomes/results, and how concerned they are with being kind. Incidentally, you can find out about all of that stuff based on how someone talks to/about homeless people. This has become a major way that I categorize people in recent years. There’s plenty more, I’m sure. But those are the big things. I left out most of the stuff related to mental illness, I’m still not sure how fluid a lot of that is. In any case most of the above can be chalked up to neurosis anyway. Ultimately I’m glad to be alive and to be the person I am. For all the challenges of having to live with this brain, I have enjoyed the journey learning about myself. Here’s to another year!

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